undergarments

Remember when underwear was fun to wear? As an adult dressing formally, underwear brings a completely different ball game. There are no cute cartoons on your undergarments. They tend to be hideous beige or black and purely functional in order to hide some things and hold other things. They defy gravity.

I always have a difficult time trying to figure out which one I should wear under my bridesmaid gowns. I know that I’m not the only one. I'm not afraid to go there so let’s review our options.

Do you wear the thing that looks like giant biker shorts? You know the one that starts under your bosom and extends down to your knee. It promises to smooth your stomach and thighs but on the way down it crushes your ribs. You have to do a series of squats just to get the thing on. By then you’ve worked up a sweat and your make up is running.

Or do you go with the bathing suit-like one? There are a few variations and cuts. Some are strapless; some have wide straps; some offer multiple straps which just confuse me all together. So you’re basically wearing a bathing suit under a gown, cocktail hour wraps up and, of course, you have to go. Now what? You encounter the same problem on the beach when you have to go. Now add a dress over the bathing suit. There is just no easy way…you miss the salad course figuring out how to handle this situation.

What about the convertible bra thingy? I have one that claims to have the ability to be worn 100 different ways. Oh really? Do all 100 ways actually help the girls out? Doubt it. It looks like a bikini top that has gone through a shredder because there are multiple straps hanging off at all angles. You can clip the straps in wherever you want so they are not visible under different dress cuts. Better hope none of those straps fling off mid-ceremony. I have experienced this and it’s not pretty! It’s actually very awkward and suddenly things are not symmetrical like you planned.

There is another large strap that came with this 100 way bra that I have yet to figure out. It is intended for a low back dress. It is a long wide piece of spandex that is intended to be wrapped around your stomach and then hooked in above somewhere to provide some support. Fabulous. Now I need to put the biker shorts on over that to cover up the lines that this spandex contraption has created. Doubling up on spandex is never good.

Just writing about this is restricting my airflow.

Why do we put ourselves through it? I understand beauty is pain but barely breathing to nip in a few inches is a near death experience. Save your life and free your wobbly bits.

-The perennial bridesmaid